Secrets to Success
by Persiana13
Summary: Deadpool shares his top methods to being a successful mercenary! Insanity Ensues! One Shot.


**Secrets to Success **

_Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Marvel. _

One Shot 

A man with a red and black mask, wearing a matching red and black costume came on set,

"Hi, ladies and gentlemen, especially the ladies. I'm Wade Wilson! You probably know me as the insane Merc-with-a-Mouth, Deadpool!"

He walked to a desk and sat in his chair, not realizing, or not caring, that a cat had decided to lounge there. Deadpool smiled under his mask,

"People often ask me what the secrets to my successful mercenary career are. Is it I eat right? Exercise? Did I forget to take my medication?"

He blinked,

"Wait, did I take my medication today? Ah, well, it's not important. It's only the stuff that, if I don't take it, I'll become a homicidal maniac, shooting and slicing people in supermarkets."

Deadpool then remembered,

"I did that last week because they didn't have any microwave chimmichangas."

He pouted,

"I like chimmichangas!"

He yelled,

"BOB, GET ME MY CHIMMY NOW!!"

A man dressed in one of the yellow Hydra Haz-mat suits timidly walked in. His name is Bob, the Hydra agent. He was carrying a plate with hot food on it. Bob placed the tray on the desk and Deadpool, removing his mask so only his mouth could be seen, stuck his face in the food and began eating it like a pig. Bob carefully walked away off camera, and, when Deadpool was finished eating, he lowered his mask again and smiled,

"OK! Now that I've eaten, let's talk!"

Deadpool pulled out some expensive looking glasses and read from a clipboard,

"One rule I have to being a successful mercenary is this; there are plenty of jobs, from murdering heads of state, to retrieving the nuclear powered reactor for a toy puppy. Just pick the one that best suits your talent and ability. Oh, and make sure the client has deep pockets."

He pulled out a pair of pants with holes in them,

"The guy that wore these had REALLY deep pockets. So deep, he could drill for oil if he jiggled his keys."

He threw the pants aside, which hit something expensive, and Deadpool continued,

"Another tip for being a successful mercenary; your weapon of choice."

He jumped on the desk, brandishing his swords,

"Oh, man. If these swords could talk, the things they would say."

The insane merc began talking to the sword,

"What's that, Mr. Stabby? You want to meet Miss Slashy again? How about after the show?"

He put his swords away and pulled out a rather intimidating gun,

"Now, I not only use swords, but guns are really important. They kill people. They kill people with bigger guns, and smaller ones. Oh, and medium size ones too."

He put on a trench coat and opened it up, revealing all sorts of firearms,

"Now, I've always believed that there is no such thing as not enough firepower. If War Machine can have those weapons on his armor, so can I."

Deadpool clapped his hands, getting all giddy,

"Do you think Tony Stark will let me have my own armor? I can be Iron Pool!"

He began singing the Black Sabbath song,

"_I am Iron Pool. Duh-duh-duh-duh shoot you in the head." _

Deadpool threw his coat aside and said,

"Now, another thing about being a successful merc is this; never, ever, ever underestimate the life-saving ability of poison tailed spider-monkeys. I'm serious, they know CPR!"

An awkward silence followed. Deadpool shrugged,

"Now that awkward silence has passed, the most important rule for being a successful merc is this; CHIMMICHANGAS!!!

He looked around,

"You know something, I take that back. Bea Arthur is the most important." (1)

Bob added timidly,

"How about Bea Arthur delivering you chimmichangas?"

Deadpool gasped,

"You mean, she's hear? To see me? It must be all those letters I sent to her!! She's here, and she's making chimmichangas!"

The Merc-with-a-mouth bolted off set. Bob, the Hydra agent, gulped,

"It was only a suggestion."

Deadpool stormed back in,

"Bob, did you get my hopes and sexual fantasies up when you made that suggestion? Because, I just went to the kitchen and there were two things missing; Bea Arthur and my chimmichangas."

Bob swallowed nervously,

"Uh, Wade…"

Deadpool pulled out an assault rifle,

"Now, I'm a sport, and since you're about as insane as I am-."

Bob blinked,

"Wait, what?"

Wade shrugged,

"You've hung around me this long and haven't left yet? What's wrong with you?"

Bob stuttered,

"But, you'd kill me if I left you."

Deadpool nodded,

"Oh, yeah. Right. Well, you're just in time, buddy. I'm gonna kill you for making me think that Bea Arthur was serving chimmichangas in the kitchen."

He then drooled,

"MMMM- Chimmichangas. MMMM- Bea Arthur."

As Wade was lost in his own little fantasy, Bob slipped out.

Finally, Wade snapped out of his dreamy fantasy,

"Whoa, that was weird."

He went to the fridge,

"Dammit! No more microwavable chimmichangas. Now, I'll have to go to the store to buy more! I just hope I remember not to get blood all over my money. I hope to remember to bring money this time."

He then laughed,

"Yeah, right!"

End of One Shot.

(1) Deadpool has a fascination with the actress Bea Arthur. Don't ask.


End file.
